In my travels, I've discovered that baby boomer men like the following things:

1. Taking both armrests on airplanes
   
2. Renting sailboats in Florida so they can float up to watch a seaside Jimmy Buffett concert
   
3. Staying at all-inclusive resort in Cabo and buying souvenir shirts that read "I fear no beer" and "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR"
4. Wearing Crocs and Tommy Bahama shirts to the opera in Vienna
   
5. Sending unsatisfactory meals back to the kitchen, even at roadside Caribbean street meat stands
   
6. Taking their wives on winery tours, and then tasting wine really slowly and smacking their lips like they saw in the movie Sideways
7. Wearing collared dress shirts with the Led Zeppelin logo on the back (with optional front breast pocket to hold their harmonica)
8. Riding two-wheel Segways on tours of every city on the planet
   

For that last reason alone, I've avoided Segways.

They just seemed bulky and clunky and sidewalk-clogging.

I figured Segways were built for two reasons:

(a) so we could force monkeys to find land mines in war-torn countries

(b) as a public service to people who refuse to use their legs anymore due to old age or sloth

Now I'm pleased to report that, man, was I ever wrong.

A glance at a Canadian weather map this morning shows rain, more rain, wind, snow...not a glimmer of sunshine anywhere. To get away from all this meteorological misery, you can either hunker down in a spot where the weather is irrelevant, or head south to a place where the climate suits your recently retired flip-flops. This week's podium is here to help with either option:

GOLD: You know what's really scary about Halloween this year? The weather forecast -- especially in Ontario, where the remnants of Hurricane Sandy may make for soggy trick or treating. Instread of traipsing door to door, you could instead opt for a "Last-Minute Escape" to the devine Ste. Anne's Spa (pictured below) just north of Cobourg. Starting at $199 a person -- available Oct. 30 and 31, based on double occupancy, and representing about 40 per cent off regular rates -- the package include a night's stay, a gourmet four-course dinner, full breakfast, a three-course lunch, afternoon tea and, perhaps most alluringly, full use of spa facilities including steam rooms and plunge pools both hot and ice-cold (spa treatments cost extra). Take that, Sandy! 

My favourite "bit" from comedian Louis C.K. involves air travel. After describing the various complaints of passengers -- delays on the tarmac, malfunctioning Internet access -- he puts it all in perspective:

"What happened then? Did you fly through the air like a bird, incredibly? Did you soar into the clouds, impossibly? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight and then land softly on giant tires that you couldn't even conceive how they f**king put air in them?...You're sitting in a chair in the sky. You're like a Greek myth right now."

But there is a lot to complain about when it comes to air travel, mainly because we've become accustomed to having so many options: Fish or chicken? Movies, TV or music? Checked bags or carry-on? That's why the outcry was so deafening when we started having to pay for in-flight meals, and movies, and pillows and blankets, and carry-on luggage...OK, it is getting out of hand. Clearly the airlines, who have no one to blame but themselves for creating an atmosphere of entitlement, are working hard to lower our expectations.

Our in-flight option of choice, however, is fast becoming Wi-Fi access (pictured above). According to a recent survey of a thousand travellers by travel search site Skyscanner, 60 per cent would choose wireless Internet service over an in-flight entertainment system. (Thirty-seven per cent said they would go with the entertainment system, while the remaining 3 per cent would presumably read, chat or stare at the back of the seat in front of them, Puddy-style.)

True story:

A publicist loaned me a new Jaguar XJ-L for the week. Have you seen this beast? Picture a luxury sedan that's as rich and white as Mr. Romney's real hair colour under the varnish.

They said I could drive its cream leather seats anywhere I wanted: Alberta, Washington, Montana, Idaho, Vancouver Island, wherever. My dad had always wanted to (but never did) drive a fancy Jaguar sedan. So I grabbed the keys, sprinted to the Jag, and sped off FAST, in case the car's real real owner showed up.

Compared to my MINI, the Jaguar XJ-L is HUUUGE. This 4-door rides so big and smooth, it feels like you're steering a boat sitting on a boat trailer behind a half-ton pickup parked with its engine off on a level mall lot on a clear, calm day. In other words: sturdy.

Sometimes it's nice to choose how much you want to save on a hotel stay or vacation package. Of course, this usually depends on opting to spend an extra night (or three) in the accomodations or destination in question. But if all goes well, that decision may be a pleasure to make. This week's podium:

GOLD: Sometimes a hotel room provides a nice view, and sometimes the hotel room is the nice view. The latter certainly applies to the 200-property Design Hotels chain, which has locations in 120 cities around the world, from Montreal's Hotel St. Paul to Milan's STRAF (pictured below). Starting next week and running to March 17, the chain's "Winter Specials" offer four ways to save: three nights for the price of two; seven nights for the price of five; free room upgrades (based on stays of at least two nights); or up to 14 per cent off rates on two-night stays.

Exposed yourself in a major US airport lately?

Not for much longer, as the TSA is quietly removing its most invasive X-ray machines.

The full-body X-ray scanner is called the Secure 1000 or, as the TSA calls it, a 'backscatter'. It looks like two enormous, 6.5-feet-high stereo speakers that basement stoners would crank to 11.

I've spread for backscatters in JFK and LAX and it ain't pretty. Guards order you to hold your hands over your head like you're a surrendering criminal / war loser. Then the X-ray machines scan through your clothes to reveal your naked flesh.

A woman (who refused to be identified) assumes the position for the backscatter X-ray. AP Photo/Elaine Thompson

Lovely inventions, they are, and privacy advocates hate them. Yet the TSA rolled them out nationwide four years ago, shortly after the failed underwear bombing on Christmas Day 2009 (and god knows, nothing's more disgusting than 'failed underwear').

I love this:

At first, it looks like a stack of old suitcases being loaded onto an ocean liner circa 1959. On closer inspection, they're actually cleverly-designed dressers to hide all your scented love letters and dainty unmentionables.

Two English designers, Hannah Plumb and James Russell (who go by the company handle 'JAMESPLUMB') are taking everyday objects and repurposing them to make unique & useful furniture. Or as the designers like to say, they "juxtapose practical function with their sculptural vision." 

Their website says they take "time worn antiques and cast-offs to produce one-off assemblages, luminaires, and interiors."

A surprised "mamma mia!" may have escaped my lips yesterday when I discovered that the McDonald's restaurant in Milan's famous Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II shopping arcade (pictured below) had turned off its heat lamps for the last time.

No, I'm not a rival of Paul Dickinson, the Minnesotan who claims to have dined at more than 15,000 McD's locations -- nearly half the global total. While I will admit to enjoying a Big Mac from time to time, my attachment to the shuttered Italian eatery is more gastrological than gastronomical. (The 20-year-old location made headlines earlier this week when McDonald's Italia sued the city of Milan for about $30 million in damages over being booted out of the heavily-touristed Galleria, to be replaced by -- what else? -- a second Prada outlet.)

Back in the proverbial day -- April 22 of 1999 to be exact -- the McDonald's chain was the lone global bastion of reliably clean and freely accessible Western-style restrooms. At the time, the golden arches loomed over 112 countries (the number is now 123), and Starbucks, arguably the sole challenger to the tidy toilet title (now in 60 nations and counting), had only just expanded outside North America.

Photo credit: McDonald's Italia/facebook

At last! A suitcase that follows you like a little lamb.

It's called the Hop! suitcase and it's powered by a Bluetooth, remote-control, techno-whizbang signal.

How it works:

Aim your smartphone at the suitcase, then start walking away. Your suitcase gets scared it'll be left behind, so it starts hopping after you to catch up. It looks a little like R2-D2. But instead of wheels or bunny feet, it rumbles along on caterpillar treads like a tiny tank.

What can you give the zillionaire who has everything (other than more tax loopholes)?

How about this travel-friendly, bulletproof briefcase priced at just $5,995.

A bulletproof attaché is the perfect Christmas gift for successful/paranoid arms dealers and quirky billionaires like Richard Branson to safely tote important valuables (well, valuable to them at least) like the Caramilk Secret, meteorite chunks from Mars, a bag of their blood, a bag of their toenail clippings, their tiny unborn twin floating in a jar (for spare parts), their Top Secret & Totally-Doable plans for lasting peace/war in the Middle East, the bones of the Elephant Man, or the World's Most Expensive Dog.